I'm feeling an old feeling come back tonight. The feeling I used to get before I would do something crazy, something no-one expects.
An anxious, nervous feeling that I used to only combat with mindless rage and senseless action. A feeling that could dictate my actions like a puppet master. A feeling that I was horribly terrified of.
It's different now. It's changed into something more calm. It's changed into something more selective and brooding. A deeply morbid meditation that takes over my body and prepares it physically and mentally for the upcoming battle. I am powerless over it, it is me, it is my style of fighting, it is my mental capacity to want brutality over another human being, but not just for the sake to see his face bleed, but for the sake to see his blood on my glove, and to feel my own running down my face.
It is when you feel yourself hinge on the brink of insanity. In the momentary pause of the battle, when the adrenaline kicks in, the crowd roars and I get goosebumps. Directly after you land a hard shot on him, or he on you, when your eyes wont blink and your body wont quit. When your mind says 'yeaaa' with an extended 'a' in a deep breathless tone. When you want it more than anything, and it's just sitting right in front of you and you have nothing to do but slap your own face and grin with a mad man's face that is no longer your own and move forward mindlessly unflinching and unworried of your own well being. You are no longer human in those fleeting seconds, you are above recognition on a sane thinking plane.
Completely consumed.
Therapeutic enough.
An anxious, nervous feeling that I used to only combat with mindless rage and senseless action. A feeling that could dictate my actions like a puppet master. A feeling that I was horribly terrified of.
It's different now. It's changed into something more calm. It's changed into something more selective and brooding. A deeply morbid meditation that takes over my body and prepares it physically and mentally for the upcoming battle. I am powerless over it, it is me, it is my style of fighting, it is my mental capacity to want brutality over another human being, but not just for the sake to see his face bleed, but for the sake to see his blood on my glove, and to feel my own running down my face.
It is when you feel yourself hinge on the brink of insanity. In the momentary pause of the battle, when the adrenaline kicks in, the crowd roars and I get goosebumps. Directly after you land a hard shot on him, or he on you, when your eyes wont blink and your body wont quit. When your mind says 'yeaaa' with an extended 'a' in a deep breathless tone. When you want it more than anything, and it's just sitting right in front of you and you have nothing to do but slap your own face and grin with a mad man's face that is no longer your own and move forward mindlessly unflinching and unworried of your own well being. You are no longer human in those fleeting seconds, you are above recognition on a sane thinking plane.
Completely consumed.
Therapeutic enough.
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